Difficult day for me

Each day it seems like the emotional aspect of adoption gets a little more intense. This is partly because everyone is tired. I am tired because of the schedules, appointments, humidity, and lack of good sleep. I also have the disadvantage of being alone, so I cannot "divide and conquer" to get some of the daily business taken care of. I have to work trips to exchange money, to make copies, to shop, to scout laundry services all around some sort of regular (I use that term loosely) eating and napping schedule. For Xiao Xiao, the exhaustion is both physical and emotional. Physical, because some days the schedule takes priority over what is actually best for her. Emotional, because every waking moment she is engaged in a fierce battle of wanting to be loved, but fearing the loss that has always come; of embracing the new, but grieving for the old; and of needing to trust, but questioning if she should or can. I am seeing this every day, and no words are necessary. At this point it is almost as if she is two people. When she loves, it is becoming more intense. When she withdraws, it is also more intense. While this is difficult, it does not bother me that much. From all I have read, I believe she is handling this in a very healthy way. I do not doubt that she has the ability to bond-- I have felt it strongly from her, not just for her. The fact that she fights it hard suggests to me she has had strong bonds in her past and I believe this warring within, while hard now, will yield sweet fruit in time.

The zoo trip today was a very emotional experience for me. Two things happened today, just as we entered the zoo, that caused some of my pent-up emotions to let go.

First, just as we entered the zoo, a fierce looking bee interrogated Xiao Xiao and I. I was holding her at the time and her first instinct was to cling tightly to me, which reaffirms that bonding is occurring and has occurred. As she did this she flashed eyes full of fear at me, telling me that she did not like the bee and asking me to protect her. What happened next, though, was amazing. She used the nub on her smaller hand to quickly point at the bee, then to the tip of the middle finger of her other hand. No words were exchanged, but instantly we had connected and I knew that she is afraid of bees because she had once been stung on the tip of her middle finger. The bee left and I am sure that she has already forgotten that moment at the zoo, but I hope I never do.

As we proceeded toward the cages and pens of animals, Xiao Xiao came alive and began to point to the animals and say their Chinese names. Our guide told me that she is very smart and knows the animals names. While I was happy for her and proud of her, it was there at the zoo that I finally had a cry. I was suddenly overcome by the emotions of just how much my daughter will be leaving behind in a week. Many may not understand this statement. As Americans, we boast about our "land of opportunity". On this eve of Independence Day, I am so thankful to be an American and to enjoy the freedoms and opportunities that are available. I am in no way saying that we should not boast about our great land. However, I think that we sometimes develop an arrogance that limits our ability to see what other people truly have. My daughter came to me possessing only a pair of sandals, a skirt, and a top; and a stuffed panda, which we sent to her (for which she shows no affection, so I question whether it really ever was hers). Most would see that at face value and say that she really has nothing and is a lucky girl to come to America. While I have no doubts that we are doing the right thing, my Daddy's heart was overcome with grief for her today when I saw her in a context that gave me a glimpse of what it means for her to come to America. She is Chinese. I am not. While she will always be Chinese, most of what it means to be Chinese-- language, culture, history, diet, citizenship, and national pride ("proud to be..." doesn't only apply to American-- I get the impression that most Chinese are proud to be Chinese)-- will all be shed at the jetway of the Guangzhou Airport. Not that I want it that way, and not that I won't try to instill in her a love and appreciation for her native China, but the harsh reality is that the majority of all this will be lost. So while her little life has been filled with loss and grief, most of which she bears alone; I, her American Daddy, who loves her deeply and seeks her love and trust, am now the cause of yet more grief and loss. And that causes my heart to break for her. I am caught somewhere between loving her enough to ask that of her, and loving her enough to be sorry that I have to.